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First: a meta-post: I've been struggling how to talk about this without sounding whiny or self-pitying. Normally, I wouldn't care so much ("It's my journal and I can whine if I want to" -- and God knows I have) but I would like input (and criticism, if appropriate) and I think people are less likely to respond in general when I'm being whiny. So please bear with me. I am trying for introspection here, not trying to whine. (Although what does it mean if your introspection is whiny? Does that mean you are a whiny person? Topic for another day.)
In someone else's LJ, there is a discussion about how to delineate friends and acquaintances, and how to let people know they belong in the latter category, not the former. In reading this I realize that I have been for a long time facing the opposite problem – how do you let "friendly acquaintances" know that you would like to move beyond that?
I have never felt comfortable with this. Most of the friends I have had in my life I have developed through shared membership in institutions (school, work, church) which were conducive to promoting friendships and which provided opportunity to see each other on a regular basis. Most of my friendships developed in that sort of structured environment. I no longer have that reliably in my life.
About a year ago, a series of events happened in my life, and the choices that I have made in response to those events have caused me to be estranged from the people who were previously my "community." I am still a member of that community, but I cannot turn to it for emotional intimacy because the choices I have made in some sense put me "beyond the pale" – or the price I would have to pay to be totally accepted would be too high. (Sorry to be so cryptic, but I really don't want to go into details – that's a post for another day, too.)
And so, I'm lonely. And scared. I am absolutely terrified of rejection. And I am afraid of being a burden to people or being pathetic. And right now I am struggling against the belief that I am really not a very interesting or worthwhile person. (Self-confidence has never been a major strength of mine.)
I want close friends. And yet, I am scared of being that vulnerable again -- what if the people I want to be friends with don't want to be friends with me?
Any suggestions?
In someone else's LJ, there is a discussion about how to delineate friends and acquaintances, and how to let people know they belong in the latter category, not the former. In reading this I realize that I have been for a long time facing the opposite problem – how do you let "friendly acquaintances" know that you would like to move beyond that?
I have never felt comfortable with this. Most of the friends I have had in my life I have developed through shared membership in institutions (school, work, church) which were conducive to promoting friendships and which provided opportunity to see each other on a regular basis. Most of my friendships developed in that sort of structured environment. I no longer have that reliably in my life.
About a year ago, a series of events happened in my life, and the choices that I have made in response to those events have caused me to be estranged from the people who were previously my "community." I am still a member of that community, but I cannot turn to it for emotional intimacy because the choices I have made in some sense put me "beyond the pale" – or the price I would have to pay to be totally accepted would be too high. (Sorry to be so cryptic, but I really don't want to go into details – that's a post for another day, too.)
And so, I'm lonely. And scared. I am absolutely terrified of rejection. And I am afraid of being a burden to people or being pathetic. And right now I am struggling against the belief that I am really not a very interesting or worthwhile person. (Self-confidence has never been a major strength of mine.)
I want close friends. And yet, I am scared of being that vulnerable again -- what if the people I want to be friends with don't want to be friends with me?
Any suggestions?
