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Someone in my extended social circle has shown up in a series of very explicit dreams lately. And they show no signs of abating -- this person has moved into my subconscious and set up camp. This is disconcerting for a number of reasons.
I don't know this person very well, although from my interactions with him I think he is someone I could get to like a lot. (Obviously.) Which brings up all the self-esteem issues that I suffer from in general -- fear of rejection, fear of being inadequate, bad memories, body image issues, the whole gamut.
However, it has given me cause to re-examine my views of my own sexuality, because this is the first time that I have entertained such feelings for someone who was not monogamous. When faced with feelings for someone who is monogamous, the answer is simple: fantasies are entertained , but placed in the mental file drawer labelled "Never Going To Happen." I have found there is occasionally damage to friendships as a result of unresolved sexual feelings. However, when the person in question is at least theoretically not out of bounds, what do I do with my feelings?
So what is the attraction of monogamy? How does this tie into my sexuality generally? One thing I've realized is how deep my sexuality runs as a part of my being. I don't think I am capable of enjoying casual sex: sex has too deep a spiritual and emotional meaning for me. If I did have casual sex, the psychic costs would possibly be high.
My first experience with sex was violent and nonconsensual. I overcame the effects of that experience with the help of my life partner, but I have been wondering how much of my monogamous orientation is based on fear: rape causes scars that run *very* deep. Sigh.
None of this introspection has driven out the man hanging around my dreams. And the obvious answer (sex) is not an option until I am fully recovered from this surgery.
Of course, this probably means 1) I am healing in spite of continued pain and 2) I have WAY too much time on my hands.
I don't know this person very well, although from my interactions with him I think he is someone I could get to like a lot. (Obviously.) Which brings up all the self-esteem issues that I suffer from in general -- fear of rejection, fear of being inadequate, bad memories, body image issues, the whole gamut.
However, it has given me cause to re-examine my views of my own sexuality, because this is the first time that I have entertained such feelings for someone who was not monogamous. When faced with feelings for someone who is monogamous, the answer is simple: fantasies are entertained , but placed in the mental file drawer labelled "Never Going To Happen." I have found there is occasionally damage to friendships as a result of unresolved sexual feelings. However, when the person in question is at least theoretically not out of bounds, what do I do with my feelings?
So what is the attraction of monogamy? How does this tie into my sexuality generally? One thing I've realized is how deep my sexuality runs as a part of my being. I don't think I am capable of enjoying casual sex: sex has too deep a spiritual and emotional meaning for me. If I did have casual sex, the psychic costs would possibly be high.
My first experience with sex was violent and nonconsensual. I overcame the effects of that experience with the help of my life partner, but I have been wondering how much of my monogamous orientation is based on fear: rape causes scars that run *very* deep. Sigh.
None of this introspection has driven out the man hanging around my dreams. And the obvious answer (sex) is not an option until I am fully recovered from this surgery.
Of course, this probably means 1) I am healing in spite of continued pain and 2) I have WAY too much time on my hands.
