October

The nights are longer now
The twilight comes hard upon the setting sun
That cools and fades each passing day
The dark-haired woman with the clear grey eyes
That see into souls
Daughter of the welcoming darkness
Smiles gently, enigmatically
Reaches out
And pulls the shroud of fog
Closer round our hearts

I hate my body

I really, really wanted to go to San Francisco with brian1789 and sinboy today. I was so weak that it was hard to walk into Brian's office from the parking lot when I went to pick him up. I made the intelligent decision not to go, but I am still frustrated and angry about it. I am so weak and so tired and I feel I will never get better. My muscles shake all over. Dammit all to hell.

(no subject)

Bad news: I'm allergic to the meds the doctor gave me yesterday.
Good News: I now know how to play mah-jong! (Thanks runeshower!)

Friendship....

First: a meta-post: I've been struggling how to talk about this without sounding whiny or self-pitying. Normally, I wouldn't care so much ("It's my journal and I can whine if I want to" -- and God knows I have) but I would like input (and criticism, if appropriate) and I think people are less likely to respond in general when I'm being whiny. So please bear with me. I am trying for introspection here, not trying to whine. (Although what does it mean if your introspection is whiny? Does that mean you are a whiny person? Topic for another day.)

In someone else's LJ, there is a discussion about how to delineate friends and acquaintances, and how to let people know they belong in the latter category, not the former. In reading this I realize that I have been for a long time facing the opposite problem – how do you let "friendly acquaintances" know that you would like to move beyond that?

I have never felt comfortable with this. Most of the friends I have had in my life I have developed through shared membership in institutions (school, work, church) which were conducive to promoting friendships and which provided opportunity to see each other on a regular basis. Most of my friendships developed in that sort of structured environment. I no longer have that reliably in my life.

About a year ago, a series of events happened in my life, and the choices that I have made in response to those events have caused me to be estranged from the people who were previously my "community." I am still a member of that community, but I cannot turn to it for emotional intimacy because the choices I have made in some sense put me "beyond the pale" – or the price I would have to pay to be totally accepted would be too high. (Sorry to be so cryptic, but I really don't want to go into details – that's a post for another day, too.)

And so, I'm lonely. And scared. I am absolutely terrified of rejection. And I am afraid of being a burden to people or being pathetic. And right now I am struggling against the belief that I am really not a very interesting or worthwhile person. (Self-confidence has never been a major strength of mine.)

I want close friends. And yet, I am scared of being that vulnerable again -- what if the people I want to be friends with don't want to be friends with me?

Any suggestions?

Proof that the world is a good place....

The great Gene Kelly musical "Singing in the Rain" comes out on DVD today.

In honor of National Coming Out Day....

Just for the record, I'm sexually confused.